Interesting. I’m sorting through old crap to decide what to bring and what to leave behind when I discovered an old journal. I wrote it sometime in the afternoon and I became a follower of Christ later the same evening. Weird.
I always have a bit of a problem starting to write. “What should I write about?” I ask myself. But at this point in time I think that it’s the writing itself that I need to focus on, not the subject material. For once in my life I want to actually dedicate myself to something, not to the same half-ass job of this that I always seem to do.
I think that I have a fear of failure. Some part of me is always so afraid that I won’t succeed even if I do give it my all. So, if I never try too hard, I never really failed, did I? It’s some pretty twisted logic, but humans are far from rational beings.
And therein lies my other biggest problem in life: I try so hard to be calm, rational, and above all else, unemotional. I need a little more emotion in my life. I’ve become pretty withdrawn into myself from a lot of people. It’s selfish of me to keep myself to myself all the time. The only problem is that I keep thinking that I’ll only do more harm than good.
Another thing I’ve come to realize is that I’m just too closed off to the world around me and the people in it. I need to open myself up to hurt and pain again in order to feel pleasure and love. Love most importantly of all. My world’s become too small, too much is only my family, which is probably the root of all my problems.
As always, I am a man of inaction. I think about all my problems, identify their possible and/or probable causes, but I do nothing about them, carrying on the same as always. Far too often I let indecision make my decision for me.
Well, as you can hear in that, I was searching for real life big time. I knew all too well what was wrong with me, but I had no power to do anything about it. Thank You Jesus, for taking me from where I was to where I am now. I truly see that without You, I would still be wallowing in my pain; the world cut off from me and me hiding from the world. Thank You that You’re at work in all the areas of my life that sound so much like what I said almost six years ago. Thank You for giving Yourself for me and to me.